When you are a single parent, frustration is a constant companion, which is oddly enough why no single parent should be lonely for even a minute. Besides the usual complaints:
- your ex, and the mother/father to your children,
- money,
- the nagging feeling that you're doing something wrong as a parent
- money,
- seeing the job as a barrier to seeing your children,
- money,
- finding new companionship,
- the legal system,
- and money,
there are a host of other irritations. Some are much, much worse than others. I'm no exception to that particular mental state.
Lately, though, my biggest source of irritation is deadbeat dads - that is, those dads that have to pay child support for their children, sometimes with one woman, sometimes with several - and don't.
I realize that child support is expensive. I pay it myself. Apparently, though, a lot of fathers seem to believe that they DON'T have to pay it. The way that I see it, this just makes my job as a responsible father much, much harder.
Single mothers, when told that I am a single dad, look at me with guarded suspicion. The legal system looks at me sideways, because I could always just "leave" and leave my daughter high and dry… even if that's something I could never do. I am deemed to be possibly be not as good of a parent in part because of my testosterone level. The prejudice against fathers who want as much custody of their kids as possible is hard enough; add the stereotypical deadbeat dad into the emotional mix, and it creates an unfavorable position for me.
I'm a man working two jobs and a freelance position - none of which I necessarily do for my health. I participate in several community events and donate to several charities. My daughter has never been in any compromising position in my care, ever. I've never even just paid the minimum for child support for my daughter simply because I felt that I could afford a touch more - I give more when I can. I know child support is oppressive, Lord, do I know. I know that child support awards are unfair. I know that the system is bent against fathers. But so what? Work on changing the system if you like or if you can, but concentrate on helping the kids, first, because as dumb as the system might be, you still have your kids to worry about. Pay up, or negotiate.
In short, there's nothing that I can't stand more than a dad who can't, or won't, go out there and bust butt to make sure that their kids are being raised well when Dad isn't around.
Deadbeat dads of the world, get with the program, or get out of the middle of the road. You're slowing us down. And I promise, with my schedule, I definitely have someplace important to be.
14 comments:
What is your opinion on dead-beat-moms?
Let us generalize a bit, dead-beat-parents in general are well; dead-beat-parents.
However, I am in the same general position as you have outlined; I am a non-custodial Mom. I am a student, I live on student loans, period. I have not experienced the same level of enforcement with regard to my parenting time as child support.
Let's face it; child support can be taken off the top of your Federal Tax Return, will the feds enforce my "parenting time"? No. Will the "friend-of-the-court" referee? No. The term above is for the court's convenience, not the non-custodial parent's, nor the child's best interest.
I lost a semester of college because the feds took the taxes I "loaned" to the government from my workstudy grant. I did not receive any extra help with "parenting time" enforcement for doing what I would do anyway. Every semester I am in college, is time lost with my child and less money all around to benefit everyone.
Seems to me, what is written as law and /or custody order, only benefits the custodial parent, not the non-custodial parent equitablly. It does not benefit the child at all.
Walksbyfaith 8)
. . . who has been on both sides of the issue with said children and was never this stingy or uncharitable to the non-custodial.
I myself have an ex that is approx. $11,000.00 behind and has not seen his children in over 5 years even though we see each other at least once every 3 months in child support court, he just served me with a contempt of court petition stating that I have not allowed him to see his kids..........HIS MOTHER JUST BROUGHT THEM BACK TO MY HOUSE ON SATURDAY...........He is the one that has not called his mother has as well as his brother. I feel that is any parent mother or father owes support they should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. And by the way GOOD FOR YOU MAN because there are not that many men out there than such as yourself can truely call yourself a MAN!!! GOD BLESS YOU!!!
http://childsupportdeadbeatdads.blogspot.com/
I have an ex-spouse (doesn't matter if male or female) who quit a 70,000.00 a year job so I wouldn't get child support. My ex owes me 10,000.00 we just had another hearing on monday.
I work and go to school. I am not married and I have 3 wonderful children who haven't seen the other parent in a very long time.
MY children are now teenagers who are straight A students and are talking about why this was done to them.
The relationship with the other parent is in ruins. I used to beg my ex to be a part of the childrens lives. Now the want nothing to do with it.
I now think that is for the best.
ok, divorce is the most unfair to the children. I agree with POW completely I am single parent living in poverty, trying to find stable ground after a messy, ugly divorce... my ex pays the child support, told our children he pays the court ordered amount because that is what I wanted.. he does not see the children, does not care how hard life is for them... does nothing extra... complains about how much he pays to support the children.. told them he has to work 30 hours to support them.. which is so not true... he lives a comfortable life with no parenting at all... he may call once every two weeks.. or eight times in one day... nothing is about the children it is all about him. He simply cannot give without taking.. I attempted the high road, beg him to be a dad... not my way, just be in their lives... he would will do it.. my children pain is overwhelms me sometimes, but they are doing well, and it is all his lost in the end. My ex gives non custodial fathers a bad name... and tells my children it could be worst he could run off and pay nothing.He does something far worst he does the least he can do, creates pain, and no judge or family court or check could fix it... I commended any parent custodial or non custodial who wants to parent, tries to parent no matter what... you got to thinkg of the children.. that is what is missing.
I read your blog and because of what I read I wanted to leave you a comment,I know all to well about a dead beat Dad I have been fighting ,my ex in the California court system for too many years, but I have been waiting since 2007 when I filed contempt for them to hold him accountable,I am still waiting. He is truly a worm and it's sad that it's all about control for these jerks. Anyway Thank you
Even the World Famous Author John Gray (Mars Venus) won't honor a court ordered wage assignment to garnish wage for his CEO for child support. Below is the press release on the subject.
www.ewebwire.com/freepressrelease/article/nevada-guilty-of-racial-profiling-in-child-support-cases-181-1.html
I do not agree with a DEADBEAT parent whether it's a mom or dad. I have been dealing with a deadbeat dad who has been absent from his child's life for 5 years. Right now he's been adcvertising his record label and putting on show at different nught clubs. If you ever come across Bonecide Entertainment (Terry aka T-Bone aka Bone) run because he is not to be trusted and does not take care of his children.
It amazes me how I sit and watch my girlfriend & her two kids suffer and struggle to pay the rent on her small apartment and he lives in a $700,000 home and manages to keep his mortgage current and he has not paid her a dime for 3 years. San Bernardino County Courts have slapped him with contempt of court charges but failed to do anything about them, absolutely no reinforcement.
The San Bernardino Child Support Division tells her on a weekly basis, we're working on it.
He has a well established business in Alta Loma, drives nice cars,goes without anything and yet it's getting to the point that her and the 2 children are going to have to move into a 1 bedroom apartment.
He has used and abused the system to cheat his own children of a Parents Duty!
I am a single parent who is owed $40,000 and has had no luck with the Child Support Agency or Court. I paid a filing fee to have my case heard in court and the judge basically just let him off the hook. He has had to follow NONE of the court orders established and I tried to have him held in contempt of court and the judge stated the economy is bad and jobs are hard to find etc.....WTF
i'm with you my friend. i was a single dad at one time but now married. but you correct in saying these clowns ruin for the few good men out their living right and doing right by our kids. heres a little encouragement in a blog for you & your community at http://www.todaystruthwriter.com/2011/07/21/a-few-good-men-pt-1.html
Like everything there are 2 sides to the story and i must admit that yours is one of the rarer ones being a father going on about deadbeat dads. Although i do NOT agree with the deadbeat dad thing, I know there are cases out there where the guy was totally mislead and ended up with an 18 year financial jail sentence costing him 18% of his gross wage. That isn't exactly fair on him and if [he] was informed of the females intention of getting pregnant as her biological clock was ticking, would he have ended up in the same situation.
This is written as an example and not as a deadbeat dad excuse - its only a possible OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY.
Speaking of other stories, what about deadbeat mum's? No one thinks twice on that subject when in fact women are worse as non custodial parents! See here: http://www.familyassistance.net.au/2011/10/01/deadbeats-mothers-worse-than-deadbeat-dads/
Once again, i'm not for deadbeat dads - just fairness of both sides of the story and sometimes people shouldn't throw stones in glass houses.
I had an affair with a married man and was on birth control. A pregnancy resulted. He had a great job but said he was leaving the area to pursue a better job with the military in DC. He personally blamed my decision to keep the child as a reason he was not given security clearance. Afterwards he settled down and we agreed on a figure of 450 a month. He remained with the naval reserves and another "part time" job. Saying the other job let him go because of cutbacks. Four years pass and he paid only a few times. In. Fact he asked if I could go lower on the C S and I said ok because he told me he was losing his house and upside down. Etc. even saying he was going to live on base and fully rent his house out.
10:47 blog continued.
I agrees to 240 a month. To manage I took out credit cards to function on. Taking cash advances and borrowing from family and friends to give our child normalcy and a chance at education and fun. In December of this year I even used three ways to pay to buy him a nice Lacoste shirt. It's is favorite brand. I have alway bent backwards for him. He continued over the last four years to want sex from me but never took to spending time with our son. I wanted him to have a bond with his baby but it "is not his happiness, but mine". I did research and found out he lied about his job and income and was even going on expensive trips with his girlfriend. They have been out of the country to Venice and Mexico. He even asked for her hand. In marriage and bought her a 2k dazzler. Where is judgement. I have never done anything on the dime of the taxpayer except for the birth. Because my individual insurance did not cover pregnancy and in order to get the care without my insurance coverage going up to 1200 a Month!!! I qualified for pregnancy Medicaid. Seriously I feel incredibly betrayed but I manage to make sure my son has everything. I have a lawyer and moving forward I want to make sure his dad feels the hardship I have endured The last four years. I don't wish any ill will on him but I think I deserve some compensation for the almost 100% I have put into out child. Last he never ever planned on stepping up to the plate as a dad until I retained a lawyer and sent information to his fiancé. All he wanted to do was to "sue" me. He even said he and his fiancé want to have some type of custody now. After four years now that the cats out of he bag. And he has his prize little thing who is a elementary school teacher. He is pushing for custody? Only because she knows. It's not him. In fact my lawyer called and askwd if he would sign a doc acknowledging ans he bucked like hell!!! Since the paternity test clarified he was/is the father he has said little to me
Except. " it's a difficult time for everyone.". And he has been taking time for vacation. Wow. Wow. I have decided I publish a book about my experience and I plan to make sure his name is clearly printed. Libel whatever. I kept every text and email. It's fair game unless you got the disclosure right? Cheers babe. Hope you can swallow the truth like I have done.
I strongly agree with all of the above.Reality is there are no jobs,and to get a JOB you need to have a Good credit rating...so how many people have lost their homes,life earnings and relationships to the FRAUD in not only this state but across the country.Is IT MAKING IT BETTER FOR CHILDREN WHO NEED THE HELP GET THE HELP IF THE FATHER'S NO LONGER HAVE A DRIVERS LICENSE??? Most men have tools, equipment who cannot walk around with, much less get a job without them...and even if they are willing to dig ditches, do landscaping,etc. NO LICENSE?You can garnish their wages, keep their tax returns,etc. We all need to work on this issue, because if you think about it..how would you feel if you are trying desperately to do all of the above and cannot get to work? IT TAKES AWAY YOUR SELF ESTEEM,YOUR MOTIVATION, BECAUSE YOU FEEL USELESS.Change the law, give men or women the opportunity to contribute not only to the DMV,INSURANCE COMPANY'S, ETC BUT PUT FOOD ON THEIR CHILDRENS TABLE, A BED TO SLEEP ON, A HOME TO LIVE IN.This is wrong.How many people end up homeless,give up...because the STATE REFUSES TO ADDRESS THIS ISSUE.
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