Most of you don't know anything about my relationship with Rachel, so I suppose that I should say something.
Rachel came into my life totally as the result of a fluke. Mainly, I bumped into her somewhere. Then, after we met, then I waited three days (as per the classic Male rule) and called her, and dammit, she sure sounded interesting. She had a daughter from a previous relationship. She had a painfully odd work schedule that basically would require her to leave the house at 4 in the morning, which meant that I would have to make BIG allowances. She was much, much more religious than me. She also had an odd history, as if she had made decisions in the past of a dubious nature. I didn't care about any of these things. I considered all of it part of the territory.
I was in love with her in less than two weeks.
She starting moving herself and her daughter into my house almost immediately following that.
Things moved quickly after that.
And then, by a miracle that I honestly can't even understand, Rachel was pregnant with Grace. Egads.
Then the real stress began.
Remember, I was a bachelor for basically my whole life. Suddenly, I was a father with two kids. Yikes. So, I spent a couple of months digesting that. Those were not good months.
Then, one day, I just woke up, and I felt good about it. I decided simply that I wanted my legacy to be The best possilble Dad that I could be. Then, Rachel's work schedule changed into this blissful thing where she would only be required to work for three days a week. It was a brief but wonderful Golden Age for our family.
But, right when I thought that I had it all together, I committed a silly act - I went out with my single friends, and instead of going home to my family, I stayed with the friends and did not contact her. It was very, very stupid. I admitted that enormous error. Unfortunately, my apologies were not enough. She made ultimatums, and really, I do not take ultimatums well. So, when friends and family said to me "You have to leave her" I had to listen.
I do not want to let her go. I don't want to break up our family.
However, I will, since it's obviously necessary. Perhaps we simply need a break. Perhaps this is something that we can eventually get through. Maybe though, the exact opposite is true. It is impossible to say today one way or the other.
But this I do know.
Today, May 18th, 2005, I am absolutely sad. I am sad on a level that I previously thought impossible.
Let's hope tomorrow is better.
I suspect that it will be.
2 comments:
Adrian,
Let me first say that there is scarcely any worse pain than that which comes with relationship/family woes. I feel for you.
Also, I suspect that since I 1) don't really know that much about your situation and 2) am probably being hypocritical, that I should not attempt to give you advice.
However, I choose to ignore those facts (and others) and thus will spew forth my thoughts on this:
As you no doubt know, some women can be prone to emotional extremes. Is it possible that Rachel, while giving an ultimatum, wouldn't actually take any action which you would find unacceptable? Perhaps her demands are for the sake of argument, or are a product of feelings which may subside in the long run. Perhaps, after time, you would both understand and accept your expectations of each other in this matter and similar situations.
The loss of family is such a tragedy that I would urge you (even though I'm clearly unaware of all the ramifications of such urging) to make concessions to avoid the loss.
There, I suppose that's enough Jeff-spew. Sorry for the intrusion,
Jerf
(((Adrian)))
Please write me.
L
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